Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
