Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
