Soap is not a condiment
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
