It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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