His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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