After last night, I could never be a politician.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
