Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
