I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
