Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
