the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
