dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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