i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
