My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
