Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
