I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
