if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
