My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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