wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
