Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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