I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
