Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
