If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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