i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
