My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
