My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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