The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
