I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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