How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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