I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
