I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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