I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
