Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
