apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
