Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
