Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
