Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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