how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
