the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
