The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Shame - the story of my life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
