You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
