i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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