if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
