I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
