went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
