yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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