I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
