his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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