Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
