If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
