my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I love you. Go after that dick
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
