Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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