Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
